Now what????

Today is the first day since delivering my Brody-Grey at 12 weeks and 3 days. The picture below has been altered but this is what my sweet little prince looked like. He was so perfect, tiny and peaceful. Today my feelings are indescribable, I want to say I feel empty but I really don't. I want to say I feel lost and lonely but I don't feel that way either. I feel like I will miss what could have been. At this point in my pregnancy I had already begun to envision what my little guy would look like.

How much fun he would have been as a toddler and a football player and track star like his brother, father and uncles later on in his teen years. I could not wait to be with him. I would wake up everyday and check my pregnancy apps to find out what new and exciting things I had to look forward to or stay away from this time around. Things have changed so drastically since the last time I had a baby.... 17 years ago....sheeesh!!! This was a whole new adventure that I had begun to embrace and love. But this morning was different. I woke up knowing that it wasn't another day that I get to check off of 250 some odd days of pregnancy. Instead my Brody was gone. But I don't feel empty, I am sad and I wish he was still growing inside of me....but he is not. He is now my little Angel baby, watching over me, instead of me watching over him.