Friday, May 6, 2016

Countdown to my First Triathlon

My first triathlon is upon me and is 8 hours away and I AM TERRIFIED. I am afraid of not finishing the swim in time and being disqualified. I am afraid of being afraid in the ocean swimming 500 yards out. I am afraid of having a panic attack out in the gulf. I am afraid of encountering dangerous sea life. I am afraid of so many things and "what ifs".  I have no idea why I am feeling this way. I thought I had conquered this part of me. The part of me that somehow lost my sense of self confidence and was too afraid to do anything that was outside of my little box. But for some reason those feelings are back tonight. I am completely outside of my comfort zone and I just want to revert back to the old afraid me and cancel this event. I want to pretend something out of my control happened and I cannot keep my commitment. I literally want to run back home. I hate this feeling, I hate that these feelings are back and I want to retreat. But I am here and I have no choice but to go through with it right? I keep trying to repeat to myself in the place of all of the "what ifs'' that are freaking me out... "what if I have a great time", "what if it is fun"... and "what if I surprise myself and do really well"? I felt sort of the same way when I did my first half marathon....but it was nowhere near as scary as this one. Since the entire race was on land...LOL But I finished before the time cap and I am willing to do it again. So no matter how scared I am feeling, no matter how badly I want to run, no matter how much my skin hurts because I am freaking out... I am going through with it. I will pray for guidance and protection. I will pray to stay in the moment and just aim to have fun. I pray that I finish within the time caps so I get to actually finish the entire race. I pray that I will remember that I trained for this and I know I can do it. I pray I go out there and show the scared me just what I can do and focus on one thing... enjoying myself.

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